An introvert in a season of darkness - Part 1

Over 15 years ago I participated in some testing that helped us figure out what type of personality we were.  The idea was if we knew how we functioned and how the others around us functioned we'd have a bit more grace towards each other.  It was a noble idea, but there were 18 of us living in one house in the middle of a ghetto.  Grace was hard to find.

What I did come away with was a deeper understanding of how I'm wired to engage life and others.  I am an INFP - Introvert, Intuitive, Feeler, Perceiver. Read this to get a fuller idea what that all looks like.

The key for me was the Introvert part, the fact that I need space and time to dwell in my own mind.  That is where I recharge, that is where I process everything I'm feeling and intuiting about the world, my inner world is what guides me in life.  I prefer to watch and listen than talk.  Unfortunately because of this, I can be seen as aloof and intimidating.  Jeff often 'defends' me to others, letting them know that I am either just in my own head or more likely just shy enough to not initiate conversation.  The reality is that yes, I'm often in my own mind, but I also operate with the mindset that people don't actually want to talk to me.  I almost never assume that people want to hang out with me and it still shocks me at times that they do. (Can't you just see the counseling potential there??!??)  Having said that, I have an amazing partner in Jeff who gets me and some very good friends who are great at letting me be quiet when I need to be and are happy just to have my company in whatever form in may come in.

This article in Psychology Today is brilliant in describing what it means to be an introvert.  I am an introvert who has had very extroverted jobs including being a youth pastor and now in my current job as a speaker, teaching and communications.

I married Jeff, who is the complete opposite of me in 3 of the 4 categories.  He is a raging extrovert, wired to seek out people and social gatherings when he is tired or down.  He uses his senses and analytical mind to verbally process life.  I am convinced that our marriage works for a couple of reasons, the first being that we recognize our differences in relating and work to find balance in it.  I try and be receptive to his need for people and social events by participating in as many as I am able.  And he takes the girls away on adventures when I just need some quiet.  The second reason we work so well together is that we Perceive life then same way.  We have the same goals and dreams, our priorities in life are consistent and we both can flex in those when we need too.

So what does all this mean in this time of darkness?  That's Part 2, coming soon.

Be Still

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am

Signs of blessings

The beautiful lie

"Depression is not a sign of weakness,
it is a sign of being strong for far too long."

I enjoy talking about my emotions about as much I 'enjoyed' the pain of childbirth. However, the person helping me navigate this darkness says it's important.

The compromise is the blog, but part of the issue is that I'm having trouble articulating (with words) what is going on. So it might be songs, or graphic designs or photos that get put up here with words scattered about.

That's the best I can do right now.

An update

Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

I've been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a (wo)man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I come alive when I hear you singing
But lately I haven't been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I'm in between
A machine and a (wo)man who only looks like me
I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a (wo)man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I'm always close but I'm never enough
I'm always in line but I'm never in love
I get so down but I won't give up
I get slowed down but I won't give up

Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I want to thrive not just survive