Another day of stellar parenting by yours truly.

Today I told my girls to SHUT UP! Twice. Before 10:30am.

I'm not a big fan of the phrase. I was really thankful that I was able to edit myself down to those 2 words instead of what was really running through my mind. But holy mother, I felt like I was out of options. The girls had woken up in a spicy mood and were bickering non stop. I wish I was a mother who could just let stuff like that roll over me. But it doesn't. It picks at me, lights my fuse until I can't stand it any longer.

I know that my girls talk a lot. They ask questions all the time. Words flow from the minute their eyes open, till we glue them shut at night. I also know that I often tell them to be quiet, stop talking and just listen. But I shouldn't. Because soon enough they may stop talking to us. They may stop telling us every little thing on their mind. Stop asking us questions to explore the world around them. They may begin to keep secrets, ask others for answers and give their words away to others. And one day they will be gone.

So I need to SHUT UP! Be quiet and just listen.

Awkward conversations with a 4 1/2 year old.

As I was getting ready to go out tonight and getting dressed, Bear ran in.

Bear: Mom, did you know girls have boobies and boys have nickels?

Me: What??!!??

Bear: Yep, girls is boobies and boys is nickels. (and she ran off giggling)

Me: Tell your father that!!!

She did and I could hear Hubby laughing. I later asked Hubby if that is what he is teaching her and he replied No, I thought you taught her that!

The mystery of Bear's mind....

Work dinner

Today I got to eat dinner on an outside deck overlooking the ocean. The food was fresh and local. The company were people who are wise, creative and imaginative.

Why would I live and work anywhere else?

Song of the day...'Your Hands'

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

~JJ Heller

***I also blogged over here.***

The Book of Eli

I remember wanting to see this movie when it was in theatres, but never got there. Hubby and I watched it tonight and I loved it! It is full of twists and turns, especially at the end. It was inspiring to me, especially since right now it seems so hard to open the bible and just enjoy God's word. I would recommend it.

Book Club

Today was Book Club night. Honestly, I love this gathering of women from different backgrounds. There is always good food and drink and lots of laughing. And every once in a while, we actually talk about the book!

This last book, Mennonite in a little black dress, generated some good chatter since a few of the women in the group were raised in strict Mennonite homes.

But I can't wait to read our new book, Secret Daughter, a story of adoption, culture and love set in India and the USA.

Ankle envy

I've never been one to over- analyze my body. I was taller and darker than the rest of my family, fairly skinny most of my life with curly hair. It wasn't until we were trying to get pregnant that I realized that my body could betray me. It could act pregnant, even though I wasn't...or worse, it would act pregnant even though the baby had died inside me. Of course when I did get big and pregnant, I loved my body...never felt sexier than when I was pregnant. And now that I'm getting older and my metabolism is slowing down, there are new changes to my body. But there is one body issue that is really getting me...

I have ankle envy.

You see, up until a few years ago I had really nice ankles. Skinny legs with a definite ankle area. Then I tore my Achilles tendon on my right side. Now I have one thick ankle with a 6 inch scar and one 'regular' ankle. I didn't realize I had ankle envy until I was playing with the girls and watched them climb up the playground. I was behind Bear and was making sure she made it to the top when I noticed her ankles, strong, defined and scarless. Pookie is the same. And though I'm glad my girls have such beautiful ankles, I miss mine.

Strange, I know...but there you have it.

Last day of school

Today was the 'official' start of summer for our house, the girls are done school! Because our school starts almost 20 minutes early than the other schools in town, they got out nearly a week earlier than others.

I'm excited about not making lunches and rushing in the morning. Pookie is especially excited to spend more time at home.

I wondered how long it will take till they say that they are bored?

An Observation

When we went to the movies a few days ago, we got popcorn. The boy asked if we wanted "extra butter". I said no because I don't like soggy popcorn. As we headed to the little island that held the straws and napkins, I noticed a new feature....A serve yourself "Buttery topping" fountain.

That's right. If you didn't get enough "buttery topping" at the concession stand, you could now add your own dose.

What is this world coming too?!??!?

Zzzzzz......

Back in spasm.

Powerful drugs..

Sleepy all the time...

But I did manage to make it to Pookie's piano recital today. She was awesome! Totally composed and played both pieces flawlessly. (not that I'm biased or anything) Then she thanked her piano teacher by announcing that now she wanted to play drums.

Much like swimming, Pookie feels if she has mastered a certain level of learning, she doesn't need more lessons...because she ALREADY KNOWS how to do it. Shame on me for suggesting she could still get better!

Gotta love that kid's confidence! She gets that from Hubby, for sure!

It's like my lower back is playing freeze tag.

Do you remember playing freeze tag as a kid? And once in a while there was one kid so efficient at being "It" that they would freeze every single player? So now the game is at a standstill because no one can move.

That's my lower back right now.

Apparently all the muscles in my lower back are frozen in spasm. Which is why I couldn't sleep, put on socks and have trouble in the bathroom. Finally I decided that maybe I should get it checked out. When the doctor asked if Advil had been working, I told him that if it had, I wouldn't be here. So, he prescribed the big guns of muscle relaxant and pain relief.

I've just taken both....so I thought I should blog before my body turns to mush!

Dear Readers of this here blog

Friends,

I have discovered that a vast number of you read my blog. Some of you have been faithful readers for a while, some have come along since you heard of a 'certain' blog post I wrote recently.

Welcome!

I won't lie, it is fun to engage with folks around the thoughts that roam in my mind...but there are ground rules.

Be kind.

When I'm not writing letters to Church X, I am blogging about my life and family. I admit to being a bad wife and mother...but I also admit to being an AWESOME wife and mother.

Please don't judge!

I admire, even covet different viewpoints. But honesty and transparency is the best way to go. If you want me to repent...tell me so. Yourself. Don't hide behind anonymity. And I've changed my settings, so if you want to comment either set up a blogger account or email me privately.

Don't use what I post as gossip ammunition.

Trust me. The world is small and gossip travels fast. It is hurtful and kinda unbiblical.

Know this...I am just a person trying to figure out family and faith. I don't have it all together and I never will pretend too. If you read this blog, journey with me...it is more fun that way!

I have posted a follow up to An Open Letter to Church X over HERE.

Summer??!!?? Is that you?

Today the sun came out. We were so unaccustomed to seeing it, we weren't quite sure what to do. First was an End of the School Year party at one of Pookie's classmates. Lunch was served and the playing was non stop in the sunshine. I will admit to having some backyard envy in regards to this house. It has a trampoline, playhouse with slide and swings and a homemade Zip Line. Plus tons of green space just to play. It was awesome! Then we decided to forgo an evening indoor swim for a night at the beach. We grabbed some take out food, called some friends and played for several hours. It was a good way to start the weekend!

Things you do for love.

I love my husband and we get so little time together, so when he suggested a movie date night I agreed...provided he found a babysitter. It wasn't looking good at 6:30 pm and we had pretty much given up hope when the phone rang.

And we were off, to the movie Hubby so desperately wanted to see: The A - Team. I wasn't holding out high hopes for it...but I was wrong. Wrong in the sense that the movie was a perfect blend of laugh out loud funny and action. Just easy to watch and fun.

So Hubby was right about the movie. And I'm thankful we got this little date night.

Today's thoughts...

1.) You know your life has changed immeasurably when you find yourself dressed in matching pink shirts and cargo Capri's with your 4 year old daughter; walking with a teddy bear between you (each of us holding Teddy's hand) down the main drag of your village...and you feel pretty happy about that.

2.) Walking home late at night in the same village is more nerve racking than walking down the East side of a big city. It is just too dang quiet and there is no one else out walking!

Things I know for sure...

There is a God. A loving Father, a Saviour Son and a wise and comforting Holy Spirit. We cannot manoeuvre life well without them.

A child's hand slipped into mine makes me feel invincible.

Everyone should grow something, flowers or food. Playing in the dirt reminds us of the simple things in life. It connects us to the earth, creation and ultimately the Creator God.

My daughters are the most beautiful girls I know.

My Hubby is a good, kind, hot man and I am lucky to have him in my life.

Family comes first.

Everyone has skeletons in their closet.

My theology is based on the radical welcome of God, the need for hospitality and community and the giftedness of each person in this world.

You can only be a good friend to a small number of people, choose wisely and invest much.

***It is a short list, but these are the things I know for sure....***

An Open Letter to Church X

Dear Church X,

I am writing to inform you that I think we need a break from each other. I've tried to make this relationship work for the sake of the girls. They seem to love you, however I really think it is because a lot of their friends go there and the fact that the Children's Director Pastor is great.

I know this might seem sudden, but I've been a seething mess for a while now. And what you did yesterday was unforgivable. It is time. But I want to let you know what I've been thinking, perhaps this break will give us both time to reflect and change our ways...

Here's the thing, there is a powerful minority in this place calling the shots. And the shots are wrong. There is a spirit of fear and need for control present in this place and it is crippling the impact this church could have on this community! I know that this "issue" of women in leadership is what you think is a big deal, but the bigger issue is the lack of trust in the leadership.

Let's take a moment and review the issue before us, Women in Leadership. Now, I know that the 'minority' have pulled out their Strong's Concordance to make their point. Great! Not an accurate tool to extrapolate the Hebrew and Greek of the original text...but who cares??!!? You were MAKING A POINT. I digress. Here is where the rubber meets the road for me. If you (minority) feel that only men should be in leadership and that their decisions are sound and true, then there is a problem. Do you see it? Shall I elaborate? OK, then. If these men, who YOU elected to stand as deacons, trusting their wisdom and faith, come before you with a proposal that they have spent 4 years studying, praying and agonizing about, should you not then TRUST THEM?

You cannot have your cake and eat it too. If you only want men (which is the current model here), then you should be submitting to them and their decisions. The fact that they came to you for a vote was a show of good faith. Not because they had too, they already had your vote of confidence in them. No, they did it for the sake of a transparent process, they did it for integrity. And what did you do? You voted them down. You basically told them to kiss your ass. You are in charge here.

Guess what? You won. But did you really? 4 good men (correction: 3 men, 1 woman and the Sunday School Coordinator) resigned from the board today. Our pastors may or may not be considering the same. Families are leaving because of it, us included most likely. Not that it will matter. Because you W.O.N.

So here is my request minority people. Can you now come to church happy? Can you finally smile and stop talking behind everyone's back? Can you welcome the strangers in our midst? Can you love them well? Can you take up the slack of those who are leaving in despair?

Good luck with that.

Regretfully,
Mamabear

First swim of the season

My parents have a pool at their townhouse complex. The girls have been asking since February when they could go swimming. Finally the sun shone, my mom was off work and I conveniently forgot my bathing suit...so off they went!

Bear & Oma


Pookie


Illegal diving maneuvers!

African Children's Choir

We were fortunate to host the Choir back in September and again this weekend. They did a great concert on Friday night and we spent Saturday morning playing dress up, at the park and visiting a pet shop. The pictures say more than I ever could...


Dress up Time:


At the park: Priscilla, Deborah, Bear, Grace & Pookie


Snakes at the pet shop:


***Sorry for the poor picture quality. My settings are all messed up!

Future dreams

I had a short conversation with a woman whose neighbours sold their house and travelled the world for a year with their pre teen kids. This woman was commenting on how confident and secure the kids seemed after such a trip with their parents.

I was really interested in hearing the story because that has been on my bucket list(another post) and mine and Hubby's dream for a while now. When the girls get old enough to carry a backpack, to rid ourselves of our stuff and travel the world.

We have been fortunate enough to befriend lots of different folks who now either live in exotic places and/or are doing ministry in these places. And now there are so many opportunities to volunteer while travelling that you could really serve, learn and experience so much. There are eco-christian farms in Europe that practise community living and sustainable farming, sites in Africa to help rescue elephants and just the whole experience of seeing museums and different cultures as a family seems irresistible to me.

Some one said to me today that they wished they could be that brave. Just sell the house, keep the minimum in storage and go, but they lacked the courage to do so. I cling to the fact that Hubby and I are restless souls. I think we would do that. And I think our family would be better for it.

And it is high school all over again.

Today was one of those days where I become acutely aware just how high school awkwardness just never leaves you...it just manifests in different ways....

There was a retirement tea for the girls' school principal this afternoon, fairly formal and not kid friendly. Hubby was home early to hang out with the girls so I headed off alone. I did try calling a couple of friends to see if they were going, but no luck. I would have to face this alone.

I really hate going into situations where you need to find a seat with people and make small talk. I'm not good at it. I panic and wonder if people will let me sit with them, or if they will smile politely and tell me that the seat is taken. Every single insecurity is magnified for me in these moments.

So, I did what I did 15 years ago in a similar situation, I took a deep breath, looked for a group of people that I thought would be interesting to hang out with and sat down with them. 15 years ago it worked and I count those people among some of my closest friends today. And this afternoon? Also some very cool people that may turn into good friends.

High school sucked. Life after High school? So much better.

Simple pleasures

Doing household chores with "grown up" music blasting.

Drinking a steamed milk with Bear.

Cuddling with Pookie on the couch.

Bringing coffee to Hubby in the midst of a 12 hour day.

Reading in bed.

The last hold outs...

Today was a difficult day in our household, we experienced a tragic loss. I am coping well, the girls seem fine, but I don't know how Hubby is holding up. He is walking around the house in a daze and there may be a sheen of tears in his eyes when he thinks I'm not looking. He thinks it will take a good while before he can talk about it. I've assured him that I'm here for him when he is ready to talk about these feelings of loss, pain and confusion.

We've lost a good friend to the 'dark side'...and now we are left wondering...what happened? How could we have stopped this? We have no answers.

What is this tragedy that has befelled us?

We are now officially the last of our friend group that does not own a giant flat screen TV.

Today we visited a friend's house and his wife sheepishly pointed us into the living room where the new addition sat. For so long we walked side by side with this family, steadfast in our desire not to have one of these TVs in our house. And now we walk alone...

Pep talks don't seem to be working. Hubby is starting to sound suspiciously like the girls when denied a new toy. I've tried appealing to his reason, i.e.: we don't have the money. I've tried appealing to his pride, i.e.: Be proud that you are unique! I've tried appealing to his parental side, i.e.: We tell the girls they can't have everything they want, you have to model that. And I've even tried to spiritually manipulate him, i.e.: Do not covet your neighbour's ass, or in this case, TV.

I'm not sure if Hubby will make it through....pray for us.

It's not raining...

Miracles of miracles, the sun came out today. And Hubby was home to hang out with the Bear so I got 2 uninterrupted hours at my garden. Finally got to plant my bean crop, both bush beans and soybeans....then tons of weeding.

Funny how despite the tons of rain we've received, weeds have flourished and my veggies are desperate for some chlorophyl. However, we are eating fresh lettuce, onions, spinach and radishes out of the garden already, broccoli, chard and carrots are not far away!

I love growing food.

Run UP for Down Syndrome

Today our family participated in the Run Up for Down Syndrome held at one of our local mountains. We did the 5k and thankfully the rain held off till the end. The girls were troopers and biked most of the way. Bear couldn't make it up the last hill on her bike, so I carried a 10 lb bike for the last km. Good times.

But the reason we did it was for the cute guy in the middle of the picture wearing orange. That is Luke, one of my favorite little guys in the world and we are lucky to have him in our lives! Next year we hope to double the size of our team, "Lovin' life with Luke".

Cheesemaking 101

Today was an adventure in cheesemaking with my good friend G. Mango. We were full of high hopes and enthusiasm...all of which were cruelly dashed when our first batch was a epic failure.

Apparently we missed a crucial step and our cheese refused to become a giant curd. Luckily we had another gallon of milk and just enough time to try again. Success! A little over-salted, but we got the hang of it. Although the "kit" claims cheese in 30 minutes, we managed it in 45!***

I see beautiful plates of fresh, homemade mozzarella with fresh tomatoes and basil in my future!

***All photographic evidence of our cheesemaking adventure resides in G. Mango's camera...sorry.

Mom jeans

Since spring/summer is taking it's own sweet time appearing this year and all my "warm" clothes are still firmly ensconced in my closet; I decided I needed another pair of jeans. A nice pair, a pair that is flattering and doesn't scream "mom" when you wear them.

Lucky for me, I took one of my fashion experts with me. She preferred the slightly less dark jeans that fit closely, but not skinny fit. (We both agreed that skinny fit was just not going to work for me). We had a minor disagreement over some sunglasses, but we ended up happy with some aviator style with purple tint glass.

What am I going to do when she goes to full time kindergarten next year?

Wise women

I have been fortunate in my life to befriend some truly wonderful and wise women. These women have embodied grace, beauty, intelligence, creativity, depth, humility, joy, strength, leadership and faith...

M ~ A beautiful African American women who taught me about loyalty and asked me if I was sure I wanted to get 'involved' with a white boy and reminded me to fight for him and our family.

T ~ A pastor whose command of story telling taught me how to weave faith and life together in a beautiful tapestry...she also was the first to look me in the eye after we lost our first baby and tell me that I was still a mother.

S~ An older women who walked with a humility and dignity that immediately captured me. Her life as a missionary in the D.R. in the '60-80's was beyond anything I could imagine. She and her husband were the first to really welcome us into our church in the city.

SB~ One of the women in my church denomination that made it possible for women like me to be pastors. Also one of the richest people I've ever known...but so approachable, generous and kind that it was never an issue.

MD ~ A deeply spiritual woman who guided me through the births of both my daughters. Who taught me that prayer is so much richer and deeper than I could fathom.

R~ An artist with clay, hands strong enough to break bones, gentle enough to hold a broken person. Her creativity and faith are so interwoven it is hard to see where one begins and the other ends. One of her tea pots is one of my most treasured possessions.

D~ A woman who listens to troubled souls for a living. She has a limitless capacity to empathize and to cut through to the heart of the issue in a way that is empowering and loving.

These women will probably never know how much I treasure them and how much richer I am for knowing them.

A day in the life...

Today's music playlist: Pink, Mat Kearney with a dash of 4 non blondes

Saw a dead beaver on the side of the road.

Got called Sir twice this morning. I gave the people grace since they were both over 70. Though it did make me think about needing to put a tiny bit more effort in my appearance. But after 53 days of rain, jeans and a sweater is where it is at.

Got asked to make a 'Canadian' themed cake for Friday. Was inspired by the dead beaver and decided to Google 'beaver cake'. The second I typed that and hit enter, I knew I made a BIG mistake. Trust me, don't google 'beaver cake'.

Baked raisin bread.

Had dinner with my big box shopping, tattoo wanting friend since we were both husbandless tonight.

Enjoyed a cup of tea and a chat with a friend and made plans to make mozza cheese.

Got to see my husband!

Overall, a pretty good day.

Costco

I am a tortured soul. So many things cause angst within me...one of these things is shopping at Big Box stores. And this week I've been to two, Walmart and Costco. In my defense, the Walmart trip was more of a "get out of the house" trip with a friend. (Come to think of it, it was the same friend who wants to get a tattoo...she is leading me down a dangerous path!!)

Bear and I went to Costco to pick up a few things. Pretty much one of my favourite things to do is people watch and the Costco parking lot is a prime view for this activity. Bear and I got there before our friends, so we sat in the van. Bear played and I watched folks go in and out of the store.

My philosophy around Costco is to only go if I need at least $100 worth of stuff, otherwise I shop locally or I wait till my list gets bigger. I watched a man walk out with 1 jar of spaghetti sauce. 1 jar! I'm sorry, but that just doesn't make any sense to me. Really? You couldn't go to your local grocery to pick that up??!?? Another lady had a gutter cleaner and Tampax and still others had overflowing carts.

We stuck to food today and managed to make it out with our bank account intact. But a little bit of me loathes the fact that I even went.