An introvert in a season of darkness - Part 2

I know that this post is a long time in coming...some of you have gently reminded me of that.  The truth is that this is the hardest post to write.  Not because I think that you'll judge me, but because the reality of it is that is incredibly personal and more vulnerable than I would choose to be.  But, I committed to getting better, and this is part of the process.  So here goes...

As I mentioned in my last post, my inner world is my sanctuary.  But in this season of darkness, my mind has become the most dangerous place for me to linger.  The best way I can explain what happened was that I lost my identity, my core being.  It is like everything fragmented into tiny pieces and the more I tried to hold the centre, the more I came apart.  I became emotional unbalanced, swinging from blinding rage to weepy tears in short periods of time.  I couldn't sleep, suffering either from nightmares or insomnia.  I could not form coherent thoughts because I could not take the time in my mind to process.

I hit rock bottom at the end of March.  And for one brief moment I was done.  Done with everything. But it really was just for a moment and then I reached out for help and have been working steadily to get back to a place of health.

Of course this took a toll on my family.  They have paid a price that I still can't really dwell on lest the guilt overwhelm me.  My semester of grad school was a write off simply because at the very end of the semester I fell apart.  My ability to write papers was gone and despite offers of help from friends, I could not get them done.  This season has been devastating in so many ways.

It is important to me to say that none of this can be attributed to any one thing.  Jeff is great, the girls are the best part of me, work is great.  In short, life was good.  For a time, I couldn't figure out why this was happening.  But now I can see the blessing of this happening that this time. 

Everything in life was solid, so it gave me the space to fall apart.  I cannot imagine what or how much worse this could have been if this had happened during a more stressful time or a time where Jeff and I were disconnected. Or if anything else had been going horribly wrong.  I feel as though that was the saving grace throughout all of this.

So what now?  I have someone that has been pointing out the path to health.  We agreed together and with Jeff's support that I take a semester off from school.  This completely destroys my graduation plan, but in the grand scheme of things, it is pretty minor.  I have a couple of friends dedicated to speaking truth and hope into my ear and who are unafraid of kicking me in the ass when I need it. (Thank God for the Internet!) I have some friends that simply come shoulder to shoulder with me and sit in silence.  And I have an amazing partner and husband in Jeff.  He has carried the load of parenting for much of 2012 and is willing learn and listen when I need him too.  Words cannot express what he means to me. 

And I am learning what it means to navigate this time.  I know when I spend too much time in my head, I become unbalanced.  So I am learning to focus outward, to be aware of the external world rather than just my internal world.  So if a song comes on, instead of processing it internally, I sing out the lyrics.  And the if the song sends me into a spin, I change it.  Gardening has always been life giving to me, so I tend to it very intentionally.  I am creating spaces with my girls that I am completely focused on them and not inside my head.  And I am beginning to realize what are triggers for me.  That will probably need more intentional counseling when I am ready, but for now I am careful.  And finally, I am starting to embrace who I am and who I believe God has created me to be.  This final piece, I think, will be foundational in me getting better. 

For years I have journeyed with people both as a pastor and as a friend, hearing their stories and counseling them to realize that they are created in the image of God.  And to trust in that creation and unique giftedness.  We are bombarded in this world of who or what we should be and we forget that the Creator God has made us.  And what He makes is Good.

 I am learning what it means to rest in that truth.