3

3 seems to be the number of kids our closest friends are having. We have friends that already have 3 under the age of 4, one who just gave birth to #3 and one who just announced that she is pregnant with #3. We have 2. And, barring a miracle, it will be 2 only. We always thought we'd have 3. Back in the blissful, pre-kid day, we cuddled in bed and talked about what our family would look like...and it pretty much always had 3 kids in the picture. That was before 3 years of trying, lots of tests, drugs and 2 miscarriages. Then came our perfect Pookie! Soon after Pookie's first birthday we thought we should get trying for #2, in case it took another 3 years. But, in between fertility treatments, at Pookie's 18 mth and my 30th birthday, we found out we were expecting Bear. Our au natural baby. We barely had to try...it only took 18 months of unprotected sex. (Unlike our other friends who pretty much just look at each other naked and are pregnant) Then, when Bear was 21 months, the stick turned blue again.(Who needs condoms when your body refuses to get pregnant!?!) #3 was on the way...again sans drugs. And we got excited. Then really scared. Then we started thinking about names. And I felt sick, and swollen and all those other lovely symptoms. But, being the negative thinker that I am, I started pushing for an early ultrasound to make sure that the baby was alright. It wasn't. No heartbeat. Betrayed by my body again. So, surgery and recovery in the midst of a summer camp season on the Sunshine Coast. No more #3 and left with the diagnosis that it probably will happen again if I get pregnant. So, we decided that 2 was great. They are beautiful, smart and healthy. Lots of people can't have 2, let go of the dream of 3.

But here is the thing: I still want 3. Every week I look at the belly of our caregiver who got pregnant about the same time I did. She looks beautiful, she has got the cute little 1st baby belly (cause we all know that the #3 belly is a little...ummm...different) And I think, dammit. I was supposed to have 3.