They say confession is good for the soul. I hope so, because I still feel sick about it.
Yesterday I lost it on a grand scale. Beyond any shadow of a doubt, my temper was in full form. I was so angry, I could have punched a hole in the wall. (and just about did). Why?
Here it goes...a few months ago my beautiful eldest daughter decided to feed the fish in our fish tank. Instead of taking a pinch of food (like she has done a million times before), she decided to shake the can of food into the tank. The WHOLE can!! Needless to say that despite my frantic efforts to remove the excess food, a ton landed on the bottom of our 20 gallon tank. And because it is a massive effort to clean the tank, I procrastinated until a fish died and the tank was turning green...(read: yesterday)
Since we are having a Christmas Open house on Sunday, I decided that I needed to roll up my sleeves and get'er done. After scooping out a 100 lbs of water, 8 terrified fish and disgusting slimy filters, I was just working on cleaning the actual tank (2 hours later). Pookie asked if she could feed the fish in the bowl. I said sure, because of course she had learned her lesson last time and has again fed the fish properly many times since the incident. She dumped half a can in there! Half a can of food! As I am in my third hour of cleaning the #$#!* tank! That is when I blew sky high. Venom spewed out of my mouth onto my little girl, words of shame and frustration cut her to pieces and then I sent her to her room so that I could try and calm down. Meanwhile Bear is looking at me with trepidation wondering if by her very presence she would incur that same wrath.
Sigh. In that moment I realize the lie that I've been telling myself for years. That I have my temper in check. That the rage that was ever present in my youth is tempered by wisdom and self control. And that familiar sick feeling was back, the feeling of shame and remorse.
Of course Pookie had known instantly what a mistake she had made with the food. I could see it in her eyes when she told me. But it was like I couldn't stop myself.
I called Pookie down as soon as I was cleaned up from the fish slime. She came to me, head drooping and tears in her eyes. I got down on my knees and lifted her eyes to mine...and told her how sorry I was for losing my temper, how wrong I was and asked for her forgiveness and told her that I loved her. And Pookie, ever so much more grace-filled than me forgave me, hugged me and told me that she loved me.
And so we move on from this, but I am scarred...and I am left to wonder how Pookie is scarred.
Is confession good for the soul? Probably. But more importantly this posting will serve as a reminder to be more grace-filled to my girls. To make life to be less about me and more about them. And to remind myself that the beast still lingers in me...
6 comments:
Ah, just read this and you made me cry. For two reasons. One, because I can feel how badly you feel. I know how much you work to be an amazing mom to your girls (and YOU ARE!) and because I know how you have worked to resolve the temper from your youth.
Second, because I totally understand this horrible feeling. I don't even consider myself to have a bad temper, but still get upset and react horribly to my kids when I am at the end of my rope.
Hearing your story of the fish tank, I had NO DOUBT that I would have freaked out too. NO DOUBT! All that hard, not-fun work would have put me in a foul mood, and then the next incident would have incurred my wrath.
So please don't be too hard on yourself, Nadia. Moms probably don't share these stories too often, but mostly because we like to present our best side and keep these bad sides to ourselves. Glad you shared though. I'm sure we can all understand these moments. Have grace on yourself. God does, and Pookie does, so you should too.
My mom remember a time with me that she was sure would "scar" me. We have talked about it, and I can't even remember the incident. Kids are very forgiving, and all the love, attention and devotion you give her will completely overshadow the flaws that it is not bad for her to see.
Love ya and am sending you a HUGE virtual hug. Off to stop my girls from fighting...
Didn't really proof read, so hope this all makes sense to you. :)
Thanks for your kind words Niki! When I came to pick up the girls from my parents, Pookie had covered a page with hearts and the words My Mommy is great. I love my Mom.
Ahhh...to have the capacity of love and grace like a child!
I feel your pain!
I'm sure we have all been there at one time or another. I know I have.
I remember my mom yelling at me once when I spilled baby powder on the carpet. She then came to me and apologized 10 or 15 minutes later. I remember that as a lesson in the importance of apologies and forgiveness. I still remember that and will apologize to my kids and students. So as much as that hurt, also think of it as a good model of asking for forgiveness and being able to forgive!
You are NOT alone!
MAJOR echo to niki's comment (the first one, obviously). i know it's hard on any mom to lose it on their kids, no matter what the situation, and then to be reminded that we haven't quite pushed our less than desirable traits from younger years away from us, is SO hard. but we are ALL a work in progress, we all fail, but there is hope!
and though we are in this position of parents to shape these young lives, sometimes we need THEIR innocence, grace and forgiveness as we learn too.
you are loved, nadia - exceptionally so by your two girls and hubby. receive their grace, God's grace, and keep going. :)
Nad...I have known you since you were in your youth... you were a beautiful person then, and you are a beautiful person now. We all have issues, good & bad, and our families see the best & worst of us and yet they continue to love us ~ praise God! Thanks for sharing ~ you're an amazing mom.
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