Never Forget.

I have refused to watch TV this week. I know that there have been countless shows reflecting/speculating/remembering this date 10 years ago. I know exactly where I was when 'IT' happened. I was in our living room eating breakfast and cradling my belly...I was pregnant for the first time and blissed out. Until I realized what was happening. Then for the next 4 hours I watched as the world as I knew imploded. People falling to their death, reports of more plane crashes and on and on. And I wondered how we could even think of bringing another life into this crazy world.

Within that first day, the media had crowned the World Trade Center as "Ground Zero". For days after we saw footage of the utter devastation of that area. There was no life and no hope. Five years ago I visited Ground Zero with my youth group. A raggedy group of teens and young adults, at 11:30pm in New York stood at Ground Zero and wept. Five years later the site still had the power to turn a group of Canadians into a snotty weepy mess. You never forget Ground Zero.

But for me, Sept 11th brings other memories to the forefront. 10 years ago on this date I was pregnant. We had just told our family and we were so excited! It had been a bit of a journey for us and we felt beyond blessed. 2 weeks later, I had my own Ground Zero. Our baby had died inside me and we only found out through an early ultrasound by accident. I was in the hospital for 2 days for surgery, then home to recover for a week. But really, inside, was Ground Zero...total devastation. I actually don't remember much of the months between Sept 2001 and June 2002. It was like everything that I knew was blown to bits and I didn't even know where to start to pick up the pieces.

In no way am I comparing what happened to me to what happened in New York, Washington and Pennsylvania. But what struck me today was the process of rebuilding that has taken place over the 10 years in the USA and in me.

Without a doubt, the events of Sept 2001 have shaped me. Both events rocked me to the core in terms of rethinking what life in this world looks like. What faith looks like. What family means.

But. BUT. I think I've come out stronger. Scarred to be sure, but stronger. I learned how to be with someone in grief. That companionable silence is better than empty words. The need to honour life in its many shapes and forms. The sensitivity never to ask if someone when they are having kids, if they are having more or if they are pregnant. And the general awareness that life is fragile.

September is a remembering kind of month for me. Never Forget.

Packing and Purging

August was a blur of packing and purging. We moved from a space of 2200 sq. feet to maybe 1300 sq. feet. That meant a ton of furniture, toys and various other items needed new homes, including our piano. The girls needed to get rid of 2/3 of their toys and stuffies. That was a fun conversation with Pookie who declared that each of her stuffies were special to her! They did great though and are loving having their own bedrooms. Plus with a big backyard we got them a trampoline. Wow, that may have been the best investment ever...hours of entertainment and activity. Bear definitely loves it more since she is less interested in watching TV and more interested in moving and playing.

As for the purging, it meant some selling, a lot of donating to various charities and some dumping. (I really hated sending some much to the dump, but what else to do?) For me, the purging was the most rewarding. There is a sense of order and more of a balance of daily use stuff and seasonal stuff, with a lot of memory items that I need to sort through. There are still some boxes in storage that I need to go through, but it is strange...I feel less burdened by our belongings than ever before. Quite freeing actually.

The highlight for me in the chaos of moving/cleaning/packing/unpacking, was the chance to give Hubby a hard time for the sheer amount of clothes he has. I'm pretty good with getting rid of clothes if they become worn out, whether I've gained/lost weight or just don't like it. For a guy that wears t-shirts and shorts/jeans to work, and slightly nicer t-shirts and jeans for home, having so many other clothes was ridiculous...plus the fact that as he continues to work at construction, he is getting skinnier, but with huge muscles. Half his clothes can't fit over his shoulders and arms anymore! So out they went and our closet looks good.

Lots of folks ask if we regret our decision...I look around my family and see 2 girls loving their bedrooms, trampoline and living close to their auntie, I see a husband who now feels less of a burden in terms of financially providing for his family and I see a beautiful house space with lots of light. So far, so right.