It's a Dutch thing

Sometimes in life your culture comes up and smacks you in the face. You don't even realize that you do things differently until someone points it out. Today was a day like that. We'd been invited to celebrate friends' birthdays, a mother and daughter. As we entered the house, we brought flowers and said our happy birthdays to the respective birthday girls. And then we offered our congratulations to the parents of each each birthday girl.

Confused yet?

In the Dutch culture, you congratulate the mother of the birthday person. So you would say, "Congratulations on your son/daughter's birthday." Folks who are not Dutch think this is very strange...why would you congratulate the mother of the birthday person? But when you think about it, why wouldn't you? She was the one who brought you into the world, amongst much pain and labour. The birthday person was just there for the ride.

The good thing was that this was a Dutch family, though second and third generation...but there is a kinship when you uphold these little pieces of your culture and teach them to your kids. I kinda like it.

And as the Dutch say, 'If you ain't Dutch, you ain't much!'

Downward mobility

I've been mulling over in my mind this concept of downward mobility for a couple of months. I've resisted blogging about it simply because I don't want to come across as preachy. Or holy. Or as super sacrificial. Rather, it is simply a recognition that at this time, in this space and season of our lives, this path seems like the right choice for our family.****

So here goes...

Around Easter I was gifted with a CD from friends of ours. The CD, 'Under the Shadow' was written and recorded in their living room in a little cabin on a island off the coast. Tom is a gifted musician paired with a wordsmith for a wife, Karen. One of their songs, Unless the Lord builds is written based on Psalm 127. On one of my drives into work, this song implanted in my heart and I spent the day reading and re-reading this psalm. Then I began thinking of our family and what this psalm meant in relation to our lives together.

Without a doubt, having me work as much as I do has taken a toll on my family. I can see it in the girls and the odd time in Hubby. But I'd rather work than have Hubby do multiple jobs as he has done in the past. The reality is that though we have been blessed with the housing/life we have, it takes at least 1 3/4 of an income to maintain it. And that is living pretty simply in suburban terms. And to be perfectly honest, it is stressful...I know we are not the only ones like this.

However, what I began to realize is that we DO NOT have to live like this. Without a doubt, God has blessed both Hubby and I with great jobs and with great employers who recognize our desire to put our family first. So how is it not enough? Quite simply, our house is killing us. We make enough money to live comfortably if our housing cost was reduced even by 1/4.

And perhaps an even bigger issue was the fact that our beautiful and brilliant daughter Pookie is showing some of the same signs and challenges of a learning disability that Hubby has. Both Pookie and Hubby are very, very smart..off the charts smart...if you test them orally. Ask them to write or read and they both have a very hard time deciphering words. Hubby was tested in his mid twenties, but suffered through years of schooling that reinforced his weaknesses instead of his strengths. Now in graduate school, Hubby can often get better grades than I because his thoughts and ideas are strong.(and his wife edits his papers for him...she's a keeper that one!) Back to Pookie, the school has identified her as a student that extra help/assessments/support. The cost of doing all the testing runs in the thousands of dollars. And then we'd need to get her tutoring, 2 or 3 times a week, which would run hundreds of dollars a month. Since we are just making ends meet now, to add those costs into the equation would quickly drive us into the negative.

So, after weeks of praying through Psalm 127, Hubby and I have decided to sell our townhouse and go back to renting. (the story of our rental will have to wait till another post, but it is totally God-orchestrated!) By renting and downsizing our "stuff", we will be able to support Pookie in her learning, offer both Pookie and Bear the opportunity to try different activities like dance or art classes and allow us to save money for the future. And even to enjoy a coffee or dinner out guilt free! More importantly, it lets us rest and savour both the blessing of work and the blessing of family without one sacrificing for the other.

The scary part of this whole decision was letting our parents know. The general thought is to always move onwards and upwards, gathering assets as we go. And there is a bit of sense of failure that we cannot do that. However, both sets of parents have been INCREDIBLY supportive and we are so thankful for that. (I think telling them we were going to sell everything in 3 years to go travelling eased the shock of us selling now to rent. At least we aren't leaving yet!)

In the end, I can honestly say that there is a sense of relief and burden lifting. Hubby and I are different in many ways, but we've always viewed life the same way. In this season it is all about our family. Not about giving the girls everything they want, but providing everything they need. Not about working ourselves so hard that we have little to give each other, but working enough to give each other best of ourselves. And trusting that God honors that and that we honor Him through that.

***I was going to wait till I could articulate this in a poetic and winsome way, but that could take forever...so word vomit it is!***

An update.

I've been working on a blog post about downward mobility, but Hubby gently suggested that perhaps I needed to provide an update on the ongoing saga of my health...so here goes.

The bone scan came back "unremarkable".(This was the message from the receptionist) Which basically means no cancer, no obvious signs of joint degeneration etc. Good news I think, but it brings us back to square one in terms of figuring out what is wrong. It hearkens back to our infertility struggle when we were given the diagnosis of "unexplainable infertility". This is like "unexplainable joint pain". Frick! I wish my body would "woman up" and owe a diagnosis for once! But, apparently there is something wonky with my blood work. So I'm back in for more tests this Friday afternoon.

For me, I'm almost at the point where I don't care about an official diagnosis, but more about pain management. On a good day, I run about a 1.5 or 2 on the pain scale. The pain needs to hit about a 7 before I take anything to take the edge off. The best ever pain scale poster I've seen was on Allie Brosh's Hyperbole and a Half. (which you should be reading. all the time.)

Here is a normal doctor office pain scale:

Here is Allie's version:

Seems about right to me.

So there you go. Pretty unsatisfying eh?

This past week.

I have good friends and family. I was reminded of this in countless emails, facebook messages and phone calls asking about the results of the tests. The reality is that getting a medical test 1 day before a major long weekend holiday is perhaps THE WORST TIME EVER to get a test. I have not heard anything yet, but may in the next couple days. On the bruise front, I've had several folks ask me gently how I got the bruises...because they really do look like someone gave them to me. So I'm thankful for the cool weather so that I'm not tempted to wear T-shirts and shorts, cause I'm pretty sure that someone would call the authorities about my beloved Hubby! The best news might be that in the first time in 6+ times of traveling to this particular airport, I was NOT searched. I just breezed through with barely a glance in my direction. Victory!

Last week I spent a good portion of it at our denominational assembly in Banff.(tough life, I know!) It was full of 15 hour days and with it came several times where I was teaching and preaching/speaking. And although every time it felt as though my heart would pound out of my chest, it went really well. Especially since there were a lot of older folk/conservative viewpoints, I felt nothing but really affirmed and embraced. And I don't speak of easy things. I often say really hard things in challenging our churches to reframe how they look at community and hospitality and welcome. I considered it a success when I had several very crotchy people come up to me and admit that I may be 'on to something'.

But perhaps the highlight/reminder that stood out to me is this...I'm kinda good at this teaching, preaching, speaking thing. And I type this not because I want some sort of kudos from my faithful readers, but more as a challenge to myself to accept this part of me. The part that loves to learn and to share that with others. To speak truth about the Truth. To challenge people to live differently and in that to challenge myself to do the same. Which then circles me back to the fact that I currently go to a church that doesn't nessarily affirms me that gifting. But that is another post altogether.

And I'd be remiss if I didn't speak about the good people I hung out with in Banff. I am both thankful that I know them and that they are in this denomination serving. We had discussions about creationism, salvation, leadership in faith communities, how to make the best deep fried food, Canucks and what we should drink that night. You can't ask for better, more generous folks that those that I can call friends. Looking forward to November when both Hubby and I head to Banff. (FYI, a lot of people think I have a mythical husband since he has never been able to join me. It has sparked some interesting rumors though)

I am glad to be home.