Psst....
Come over here!
Monday, September 24, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Family
The Heartbreaker
The Troublemaker
A friend came over a few weeks ago to take some pictures of us and I just got the DVD of pictures today. These are some of my favorites!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
An introvert in a season of darkness - Part 2
I know that this post is a long time in coming...some of you have gently reminded me of that. The truth is that this is the hardest post to write. Not because I think that you'll judge me, but because the reality of it is that is incredibly personal and more vulnerable than I would choose to be. But, I committed to getting better, and this is part of the process. So here goes...
As I mentioned in my last post, my inner world is my sanctuary. But in this season of darkness, my mind has become the most dangerous place for me to linger. The best way I can explain what happened was that I lost my identity, my core being. It is like everything fragmented into tiny pieces and the more I tried to hold the centre, the more I came apart. I became emotional unbalanced, swinging from blinding rage to weepy tears in short periods of time. I couldn't sleep, suffering either from nightmares or insomnia. I could not form coherent thoughts because I could not take the time in my mind to process.
I hit rock bottom at the end of March. And for one brief moment I was done. Done with everything. But it really was just for a moment and then I reached out for help and have been working steadily to get back to a place of health.
Of course this took a toll on my family. They have paid a price that I still can't really dwell on lest the guilt overwhelm me. My semester of grad school was a write off simply because at the very end of the semester I fell apart. My ability to write papers was gone and despite offers of help from friends, I could not get them done. This season has been devastating in so many ways.
It is important to me to say that none of this can be attributed to any one thing. Jeff is great, the girls are the best part of me, work is great. In short, life was good. For a time, I couldn't figure out why this was happening. But now I can see the blessing of this happening that this time.
Everything in life was solid, so it gave me the space to fall apart. I cannot imagine what or how much worse this could have been if this had happened during a more stressful time or a time where Jeff and I were disconnected. Or if anything else had been going horribly wrong. I feel as though that was the saving grace throughout all of this.
So what now? I have someone that has been pointing out the path to health. We agreed together and with Jeff's support that I take a semester off from school. This completely destroys my graduation plan, but in the grand scheme of things, it is pretty minor. I have a couple of friends dedicated to speaking truth and hope into my ear and who are unafraid of kicking me in the ass when I need it. (Thank God for the Internet!) I have some friends that simply come shoulder to shoulder with me and sit in silence. And I have an amazing partner and husband in Jeff. He has carried the load of parenting for much of 2012 and is willing learn and listen when I need him too. Words cannot express what he means to me.
And I am learning what it means to navigate this time. I know when I spend too much time in my head, I become unbalanced. So I am learning to focus outward, to be aware of the external world rather than just my internal world. So if a song comes on, instead of processing it internally, I sing out the lyrics. And the if the song sends me into a spin, I change it. Gardening has always been life giving to me, so I tend to it very intentionally. I am creating spaces with my girls that I am completely focused on them and not inside my head. And I am beginning to realize what are triggers for me. That will probably need more intentional counseling when I am ready, but for now I am careful. And finally, I am starting to embrace who I am and who I believe God has created me to be. This final piece, I think, will be foundational in me getting better.
For years I have journeyed with people both as a pastor and as a friend, hearing their stories and counseling them to realize that they are created in the image of God. And to trust in that creation and unique giftedness. We are bombarded in this world of who or what we should be and we forget that the Creator God has made us. And what He makes is Good.
I am learning what it means to rest in that truth.
As I mentioned in my last post, my inner world is my sanctuary. But in this season of darkness, my mind has become the most dangerous place for me to linger. The best way I can explain what happened was that I lost my identity, my core being. It is like everything fragmented into tiny pieces and the more I tried to hold the centre, the more I came apart. I became emotional unbalanced, swinging from blinding rage to weepy tears in short periods of time. I couldn't sleep, suffering either from nightmares or insomnia. I could not form coherent thoughts because I could not take the time in my mind to process.
I hit rock bottom at the end of March. And for one brief moment I was done. Done with everything. But it really was just for a moment and then I reached out for help and have been working steadily to get back to a place of health.
Of course this took a toll on my family. They have paid a price that I still can't really dwell on lest the guilt overwhelm me. My semester of grad school was a write off simply because at the very end of the semester I fell apart. My ability to write papers was gone and despite offers of help from friends, I could not get them done. This season has been devastating in so many ways.
It is important to me to say that none of this can be attributed to any one thing. Jeff is great, the girls are the best part of me, work is great. In short, life was good. For a time, I couldn't figure out why this was happening. But now I can see the blessing of this happening that this time.
Everything in life was solid, so it gave me the space to fall apart. I cannot imagine what or how much worse this could have been if this had happened during a more stressful time or a time where Jeff and I were disconnected. Or if anything else had been going horribly wrong. I feel as though that was the saving grace throughout all of this.
So what now? I have someone that has been pointing out the path to health. We agreed together and with Jeff's support that I take a semester off from school. This completely destroys my graduation plan, but in the grand scheme of things, it is pretty minor. I have a couple of friends dedicated to speaking truth and hope into my ear and who are unafraid of kicking me in the ass when I need it. (Thank God for the Internet!) I have some friends that simply come shoulder to shoulder with me and sit in silence. And I have an amazing partner and husband in Jeff. He has carried the load of parenting for much of 2012 and is willing learn and listen when I need him too. Words cannot express what he means to me.
And I am learning what it means to navigate this time. I know when I spend too much time in my head, I become unbalanced. So I am learning to focus outward, to be aware of the external world rather than just my internal world. So if a song comes on, instead of processing it internally, I sing out the lyrics. And the if the song sends me into a spin, I change it. Gardening has always been life giving to me, so I tend to it very intentionally. I am creating spaces with my girls that I am completely focused on them and not inside my head. And I am beginning to realize what are triggers for me. That will probably need more intentional counseling when I am ready, but for now I am careful. And finally, I am starting to embrace who I am and who I believe God has created me to be. This final piece, I think, will be foundational in me getting better.
For years I have journeyed with people both as a pastor and as a friend, hearing their stories and counseling them to realize that they are created in the image of God. And to trust in that creation and unique giftedness. We are bombarded in this world of who or what we should be and we forget that the Creator God has made us. And what He makes is Good.
I am learning what it means to rest in that truth.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
The Sun will rise
The Sun will rise
The Sun will rise
Bringing life to the earth as it springs from the ground
The Sun will rise
The Sun will rise
Won't you dry all your tears, lay your burden down?
Won't you dry all your tears, lay your burden down?
The Sun will rise
The Sun will rise
Bringing life to the earth as it springs from the ground
The Sun will rise
The Sun will rise
Won't you dry all your tears, lay your burden down?
Won't you dry all your tears, lay your burden down?
Won't you dry all your tears, lay your burden down?
Thursday, April 26, 2012
An introvert in a season of darkness - Part 1
Over 15 years ago I participated in some testing that helped us figure out what type of personality we were. The idea was if we knew how we functioned and how the others around us functioned we'd have a bit more grace towards each other. It was a noble idea, but there were 18 of us living in one house in the middle of a ghetto. Grace was hard to find.
What I did come away with was a deeper understanding of how I'm wired to engage life and others. I am an INFP - Introvert, Intuitive, Feeler, Perceiver. Read this to get a fuller idea what that all looks like.
The key for me was the Introvert part, the fact that I need space and time to dwell in my own mind. That is where I recharge, that is where I process everything I'm feeling and intuiting about the world, my inner world is what guides me in life. I prefer to watch and listen than talk. Unfortunately because of this, I can be seen as aloof and intimidating. Jeff often 'defends' me to others, letting them know that I am either just in my own head or more likely just shy enough to not initiate conversation. The reality is that yes, I'm often in my own mind, but I also operate with the mindset that people don't actually want to talk to me. I almost never assume that people want to hang out with me and it still shocks me at times that they do. (Can't you just see the counseling potential there??!??) Having said that, I have an amazing partner in Jeff who gets me and some very good friends who are great at letting me be quiet when I need to be and are happy just to have my company in whatever form in may come in.
This article in Psychology Today is brilliant in describing what it means to be an introvert. I am an introvert who has had very extroverted jobs including being a youth pastor and now in my current job as a speaker, teaching and communications.
I married Jeff, who is the complete opposite of me in 3 of the 4 categories. He is a raging extrovert, wired to seek out people and social gatherings when he is tired or down. He uses his senses and analytical mind to verbally process life. I am convinced that our marriage works for a couple of reasons, the first being that we recognize our differences in relating and work to find balance in it. I try and be receptive to his need for people and social events by participating in as many as I am able. And he takes the girls away on adventures when I just need some quiet. The second reason we work so well together is that we Perceive life then same way. We have the same goals and dreams, our priorities in life are consistent and we both can flex in those when we need too.
So what does all this mean in this time of darkness? That's Part 2, coming soon.
What I did come away with was a deeper understanding of how I'm wired to engage life and others. I am an INFP - Introvert, Intuitive, Feeler, Perceiver. Read this to get a fuller idea what that all looks like.
The key for me was the Introvert part, the fact that I need space and time to dwell in my own mind. That is where I recharge, that is where I process everything I'm feeling and intuiting about the world, my inner world is what guides me in life. I prefer to watch and listen than talk. Unfortunately because of this, I can be seen as aloof and intimidating. Jeff often 'defends' me to others, letting them know that I am either just in my own head or more likely just shy enough to not initiate conversation. The reality is that yes, I'm often in my own mind, but I also operate with the mindset that people don't actually want to talk to me. I almost never assume that people want to hang out with me and it still shocks me at times that they do. (Can't you just see the counseling potential there??!??) Having said that, I have an amazing partner in Jeff who gets me and some very good friends who are great at letting me be quiet when I need to be and are happy just to have my company in whatever form in may come in.
This article in Psychology Today is brilliant in describing what it means to be an introvert. I am an introvert who has had very extroverted jobs including being a youth pastor and now in my current job as a speaker, teaching and communications.
I married Jeff, who is the complete opposite of me in 3 of the 4 categories. He is a raging extrovert, wired to seek out people and social gatherings when he is tired or down. He uses his senses and analytical mind to verbally process life. I am convinced that our marriage works for a couple of reasons, the first being that we recognize our differences in relating and work to find balance in it. I try and be receptive to his need for people and social events by participating in as many as I am able. And he takes the girls away on adventures when I just need some quiet. The second reason we work so well together is that we Perceive life then same way. We have the same goals and dreams, our priorities in life are consistent and we both can flex in those when we need too.
So what does all this mean in this time of darkness? That's Part 2, coming soon.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Be Still
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know
When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name
If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know
And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still
If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know
When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name
If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know
And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still
If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am
Friday, April 13, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
The beautiful lie
"Depression is not a sign of weakness,
it is a sign of being strong for far too long."
it is a sign of being strong for far too long."
I enjoy talking about my emotions about as much I 'enjoyed' the pain of childbirth. However, the person helping me navigate this darkness says it's important.
The compromise is the blog, but part of the issue is that I'm having trouble articulating (with words) what is going on. So it might be songs, or graphic designs or photos that get put up here with words scattered about.
That's the best I can do right now.
The compromise is the blog, but part of the issue is that I'm having trouble articulating (with words) what is going on. So it might be songs, or graphic designs or photos that get put up here with words scattered about.
That's the best I can do right now.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
An update
Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?
I've been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a (wo)man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive
I come alive when I hear you singing
But lately I haven't been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I'm in between
A machine and a (wo)man who only looks like me
I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a (wo)man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive
I'm always close but I'm never enough
I'm always in line but I'm never in love
I get so down but I won't give up
I get slowed down but I won't give up
Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive
I want to thrive not just survive
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Narrowing my parenting focus...
Nothing like spending extensive time with your children to make you realize what is really important in this parenting gig. I've decided to set the bar lower for myself and focus on 3 things that I want for my kids. I chose three because they seem do-able and when it all boiled down to how much energy I have for these wonderful, wild creatures, three seemed about it!
1. I want them to Love God:
I want my girls to have a vibrant, fierce faith and love for God. I don't care how that looks like, whether it is in tattoos of the creation story on their body, living in a convent or just living day to day in the world. I want them to have a faith that is their own, rich and beautiful and meaningful. (of course, if I had a preference, it would be that they do not become ultra conservative right wing fundamentalists...but that's just me!)
2. I want them to be loving and kind people:
I want them to be the sort of women that are kind and loving to all sorts of people regardless of race, gender, socio-economic status and sexuality. But right now I'd settle for them to be loving and kind to each other!
3. I want them to chew food and gum with their mouths closed.
Literally my biggest pet peeve is hearing other people chew food. Seems dumb, I know....I've been told, but my six year old still struggles with this. My life would be 100% better if she would do this one thing.
On the upside, once she does, my parenting focus slims down to 2 items!
There you go. My new 3-fold parenting strategy:
Teach my girls to love God, to love others and to chew with their mouths closed.
1. I want them to Love God:
I want my girls to have a vibrant, fierce faith and love for God. I don't care how that looks like, whether it is in tattoos of the creation story on their body, living in a convent or just living day to day in the world. I want them to have a faith that is their own, rich and beautiful and meaningful. (of course, if I had a preference, it would be that they do not become ultra conservative right wing fundamentalists...but that's just me!)
2. I want them to be loving and kind people:
I want them to be the sort of women that are kind and loving to all sorts of people regardless of race, gender, socio-economic status and sexuality. But right now I'd settle for them to be loving and kind to each other!
3. I want them to chew food and gum with their mouths closed.
Literally my biggest pet peeve is hearing other people chew food. Seems dumb, I know....I've been told, but my six year old still struggles with this. My life would be 100% better if she would do this one thing.
On the upside, once she does, my parenting focus slims down to 2 items!
There you go. My new 3-fold parenting strategy:
Teach my girls to love God, to love others and to chew with their mouths closed.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
International Women's Day
There is so much going on in the world and media right now about the rights or lack thereof of women. From being called a slut for wanting birth control pills to hateful comments about the 5 women to watch in religion to the ongoing fact that it is just harder to be a women in this world...
Here are a couple great reads on this:
Top things I want my daughter (kids) to know
Thank God I am a man and not a woman..(trust me on this, don't let the title stop you)
I'm not a radical feminist, though I feel strongly about women's issues. What I do tend to rant about is the equal giftedness of humankind regardless of gender, race or sexuality. It was quite disheartening to read the media this week, especially with International Women's Day falling right in midst of this firestorm...
I am reminded again what a daunting task it is to raise daughters. I think raising kids in general is a monumental task, but it is really weeks like these that drive it home for me.
What do I want my daughters to know and how do I instill this in them when I feel like I'm just learning myself?
Here are a couple great reads on this:
Top things I want my daughter (kids) to know
Thank God I am a man and not a woman..(trust me on this, don't let the title stop you)
I'm not a radical feminist, though I feel strongly about women's issues. What I do tend to rant about is the equal giftedness of humankind regardless of gender, race or sexuality. It was quite disheartening to read the media this week, especially with International Women's Day falling right in midst of this firestorm...
I am reminded again what a daunting task it is to raise daughters. I think raising kids in general is a monumental task, but it is really weeks like these that drive it home for me.
What do I want my daughters to know and how do I instill this in them when I feel like I'm just learning myself?
Thursday, March 1, 2012
A Lenten Prayer by Archbishop Desmond Tutu
Disturb us, O Lord when we are too well-pleased with ourselves when our dreams have come true because we dreamed too little, because we sailed too close to the shore. Disturb us, O Lord when with the abundance of things we possess, we have lost our thirst for the water of life when, having fallen in love with time, we have ceased to dream of eternity and in our efforts to build a new earth, we have allowed our vision of Heaven to grow dim. Stir us, O Lord to dare more boldly, to venture into wider seas where storms show Thy mastery, where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars. In the name of Him who pushed back the horizons of our hopes and invited the brave to follow.
Amen
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Lent - Week one
I've always thought that the common thought of 'be careful of what you pray for because you'll be tested' was really bad theology. It is right up there with the idea that depression or miscarriages are God's will to make you depend on Him more --horrible, bad theology.
However, this week that is being put to the test. It is the very practice that I've taken up for Lent that has seemingly thrown my life into chaos. Or if it is just coincidence. Or the February Funk has infected my whole family....but it is ugly up in here.
I'm committed though. As best I can.
However, this week that is being put to the test. It is the very practice that I've taken up for Lent that has seemingly thrown my life into chaos. Or if it is just coincidence. Or the February Funk has infected my whole family....but it is ugly up in here.
I'm committed though. As best I can.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Writing a Lent liturgy
One of the things I want to do this Lent is to write my own liturgy. Not because I'm a great writer or very profound, but rather to give shape to this rhythm that I'm trying to create in my life. So far I've got a song that I want to listen to at the beginning:
Gungor - Dry Bones
Some other good Lenten reads:
Nadia Bolz Weber - Why I love Ash Wednesday and Lent, Part 1 & 2
Tripp Fuller - Did Jesus have to die to save us from our sins?
Gungor - Dry Bones
Some other good Lenten reads:
Nadia Bolz Weber - Why I love Ash Wednesday and Lent, Part 1 & 2
Tripp Fuller - Did Jesus have to die to save us from our sins?
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Lenten Times
Clearly I can only write during certain Church seasons, most notably the ones that are darker and involve waiting like Advent and Lent. No writing for me in more joyous seasons like CHRISTMAS! and EASTER!
This lent season comes right when I feel as though I am slipping into a full blown funk. It is no big secret that this time of year is hard for me. I'd been doing well, eating right and exercising, but life catches up and you can't fight body chemistry. It was also a crazy start to the new year with all of us in school, Jeff not working and me overworking to compensate. However, that's neither here or there, it is just life.
The biggest thing for me has been one of the classes I've been taking: Doctrinal Heritage. This class has singlehandedly deconstructed my faith in a way that has sent me into a bit of a crisis. That crazy song that you learn in Sunday school, "For the bible tells me so..." is a crock of shit when faced with hard questions. And it's not like I haven't faced hard questions from others before, but this class takes what YOU think and deconstructs in a way that you are left thinking, Why the hell do I believe that?!?!?
So this Lent season I am giving up something and taking up a spiritual practice. This doesn't make me more holy, but simply reminds me of how broken I am. The giving up piece is something that I struggle privately with and the taking up of a spiritual discipline is to help me reorient myself to God.
Blessings to you in your Lenten journey...
Here are some great Lent reflections/blogs that I've read recently:
Giving up Self Discipline for Lent
'I didn't ask you to give up coffee, I asked you to give up your life
Why practicing Lent is crazy
40 Ideas for Lent
Fat Tuesday and Skinny Wednesday
This lent season comes right when I feel as though I am slipping into a full blown funk. It is no big secret that this time of year is hard for me. I'd been doing well, eating right and exercising, but life catches up and you can't fight body chemistry. It was also a crazy start to the new year with all of us in school, Jeff not working and me overworking to compensate. However, that's neither here or there, it is just life.
The biggest thing for me has been one of the classes I've been taking: Doctrinal Heritage. This class has singlehandedly deconstructed my faith in a way that has sent me into a bit of a crisis. That crazy song that you learn in Sunday school, "For the bible tells me so..." is a crock of shit when faced with hard questions. And it's not like I haven't faced hard questions from others before, but this class takes what YOU think and deconstructs in a way that you are left thinking, Why the hell do I believe that?!?!?
So this Lent season I am giving up something and taking up a spiritual practice. This doesn't make me more holy, but simply reminds me of how broken I am. The giving up piece is something that I struggle privately with and the taking up of a spiritual discipline is to help me reorient myself to God.
Blessings to you in your Lenten journey...
Here are some great Lent reflections/blogs that I've read recently:
Giving up Self Discipline for Lent
'I didn't ask you to give up coffee, I asked you to give up your life
Why practicing Lent is crazy
40 Ideas for Lent
Fat Tuesday and Skinny Wednesday
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
A 'me' day gone horribly wrong.
That title is a tiny bit misleading. The day itself was OK, the following days were horrible! It started with me cutting off the long locks that were forming into a disaster on my head. A lovely time with my very pregnant Swedish stylist who told me who was 'good' with short hair so that I'd be OK till she got back from mat. leave. Then I headed off to a massage to deal with some chronic problems with my Achilles injury and neck and shoulders. That's when the trouble started.
I've gone to massage before, but it has mostly been a relaxing type of massage. This time I knew I needed some more serious work, so found a sports massage place that was used to dealing with these injuries. My therapist was this tiny woman with hands of steel. During the massage she was telling me that she used to compete as a gymnast for Canada and had seen some Achilles injuries.
As she was working my Achilles, she made a comment about some atrophied muscle behind the tendon and asked if there complications during my surgery. Besides the fact that I was in a cast for almost 4 months? NO. But it explains some of the other things that have befallen the right side of my body. Sheesh. Then she started working on my back, which she described as feeling like old gum. Let me tell you, it felt good to have it worked out. I could feel it loosening and the pain of the massage was overshadowed by the relief of the muscles relaxing. I was feeling good! Great even! As the massage ended, she told me that I might be a little sore the next day, but just to stretch it out. I could deal with a little sore, heck I've been a little 'sore' for a few years now. A couple of Advil and a heat pack and I'd be good to go.
Lies. All lies. I woke up Saturday morning and within 2 hours I had a raging headache. I went back to bed in order to gather energy for the birthday party I needed to take Bear to in a town an hour away. Mid way through the party which was being held at Chucky Cheese (think 200 screaming kids, lights flashing and a noise level nearing screeching), I started feeling nauseous. I made it through the drive home, gave Bear the Ipad and told her to hang tight till Jeff and Pookie got home. I grabbed a bowl and fell into bed for the next 19 hours. Every time I got up, my head pounded, my muscles and joints hurt and I couldn't focus to hold a decent conversation. During one lucid moment, I googled deep tissue massage side effects and found out what the problem was.
Apparently, when you have a deep tissue massage, all these nasty toxins are released out of your muscles and into your bloodstream. Now these little buggers are so pissed that you evacuated them out of their cozy homes that they attack your whole system to make you sick as a dog. The only way to get them out is to hydrate them out. Drink water, take baths with Epson salts and hold on for dear life. Apparently, those lovely folks at the massage place FORGOT to tell me that crucial piece of information. A "little sore" is a lot different than "wrecked for 3 days".
When I called them today, they were super apologetic but firm in telling me to get my ass back in there for a follow up massage.
So I'm hydrating.
Hydrating like a pregnant woman about to have an ultrasound.
I've gone to massage before, but it has mostly been a relaxing type of massage. This time I knew I needed some more serious work, so found a sports massage place that was used to dealing with these injuries. My therapist was this tiny woman with hands of steel. During the massage she was telling me that she used to compete as a gymnast for Canada and had seen some Achilles injuries.
As she was working my Achilles, she made a comment about some atrophied muscle behind the tendon and asked if there complications during my surgery. Besides the fact that I was in a cast for almost 4 months? NO. But it explains some of the other things that have befallen the right side of my body. Sheesh. Then she started working on my back, which she described as feeling like old gum. Let me tell you, it felt good to have it worked out. I could feel it loosening and the pain of the massage was overshadowed by the relief of the muscles relaxing. I was feeling good! Great even! As the massage ended, she told me that I might be a little sore the next day, but just to stretch it out. I could deal with a little sore, heck I've been a little 'sore' for a few years now. A couple of Advil and a heat pack and I'd be good to go.
Lies. All lies. I woke up Saturday morning and within 2 hours I had a raging headache. I went back to bed in order to gather energy for the birthday party I needed to take Bear to in a town an hour away. Mid way through the party which was being held at Chucky Cheese (think 200 screaming kids, lights flashing and a noise level nearing screeching), I started feeling nauseous. I made it through the drive home, gave Bear the Ipad and told her to hang tight till Jeff and Pookie got home. I grabbed a bowl and fell into bed for the next 19 hours. Every time I got up, my head pounded, my muscles and joints hurt and I couldn't focus to hold a decent conversation. During one lucid moment, I googled deep tissue massage side effects and found out what the problem was.
Apparently, when you have a deep tissue massage, all these nasty toxins are released out of your muscles and into your bloodstream. Now these little buggers are so pissed that you evacuated them out of their cozy homes that they attack your whole system to make you sick as a dog. The only way to get them out is to hydrate them out. Drink water, take baths with Epson salts and hold on for dear life. Apparently, those lovely folks at the massage place FORGOT to tell me that crucial piece of information. A "little sore" is a lot different than "wrecked for 3 days".
When I called them today, they were super apologetic but firm in telling me to get my ass back in there for a follow up massage.
So I'm hydrating.
Hydrating like a pregnant woman about to have an ultrasound.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Musings
One of the numerous benefits from my time as an intern in Camden, NJ was the introduction to so many great writers: Henri Nouwen, Jean Vanier, Bonhoeffer, and a Camden resident -Walt Whitman. This quote came across my desk today and it seemed to fit:
If you can't read it in the design, either click on it or read below:
“This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.”
~Walt Whitman
If you can't read it in the design, either click on it or read below:
“This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.”
~Walt Whitman
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Thoughts for the New Year
I'm pondering the idea of having a 2012 theme verse. I'm not usually that holy, but in living a year where Psalm 127 became very meaningful, the idea is more appealing. However, like how Psalm 127 entered our life, I wanted it to be more of an organic coming to a verse, rather than an exhuastive search or a mindless open bible - pick verse method.Since I'm a visual person, I was excited to find Word Designs. (My favorite is his 1 Timothy design) This guy struggled reading Scripture like me. So as a graphic designer, he decided to read through the bible and create a design for each book. I loved his idea and am doing it through the book of Matthew currently. I may post some of those designs later. But, I came across this verse in First Corinthians 14:19 and turned it into a design a month or so ago. And I kept coming back to this verse and thinking on it in terms of all the aspects of my life: as a wife, mother, employee, daughter, sister, friend and as a woman. So this is my verse...
First Corinthians 14:19 - To make this verse more holistic, I am replacing the word 'church' with 'life'. (although, I'm including church in my life!)
But in the church I would rather speak five intelligible words to instruct others than ten thousand words in a tongue.
Blessings to you in this New Year!
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