Good Friday...in three parts...

Part 1

The doorbell rings early Friday morning. It's our regular babysitter whom we forgot to cancel since Hubby had the day off. But we quickly decided to have some kid free time and gleefully headed off to a coffeeshop. Then the skytrain. Then the mall. As we are wandering, we spotted the Good Feet store. If you are from our neck of the woods, you would know the commercials that run for the Good Feet store. The testimonials of how the orthopedics saved folks from immense/chronic foot and back pain. You would also know that all the folks are 65+. Hubby and I are not 65...we are holding on to our early thirties. However, we often feel 65+ due to foot and back pain. (A intimate encounter with a pickup truck for Hubby, another volleyball injury for me) So we made stupid jokes about going in, then actually went in. I just about kneeled over at the sheer ugliness of shoes and the vast amounts of money that they wanted for them. The woman, noticing the sheen of perspiration and frightened looks on our faces, quickly came over and started her pitch. A couple of tests later, a trial pair of ortho. insoles for Hubby and nearly $500, we walked out of the Good Feet store. Hubby is well on his way to walking without pain. As for me, I headed to the nearest grocery store for a $13 pair of Dr. Scholls.

Part 2

Friday is swim day for Hubby and the girls, and because I didn't have a formal youth event, I joined in. It was fun to see how much Pookie is loving the water and how much she is willing to do. Because during the 10 swim lessons she had, she cried enough to fill a pool! We headed for a nutritious meal at the Golden Arches where I tried a salad. Which, by the way, is ridiculous. If you are going to the arches, get the bad-for-you food.

Part 3

We got home in time for me to head to our Good Friday service. It is quite a beautiful candle lit service with readings, hymns and reflections from different writers. I was just getting into it when Luis and a friend walked in. This are guys from the neighbourhood who struggle with substance abuse. To say that these guys were hammered is being quite kind. Luis tends to get loud and flirty, but you can usually get him to quiet down. His friend was in no mood to do that. In fact, he was quite loud, swearing constantly and acting aggressive. Despite the efforts of some spanish speaking folks, we couldn't get him calm. Imagine a darkened sanctuary, a reflective atmosphere and a guy dropping F- bombs every time we prayed or were quiet. Needless to say, it was distracting and a bit scary when I thought I might get hit. Of course, as folks walked out of the service they made sure that I knew that they were displeased. (Whatever, I'm the youth pastor...I did the best I could. There were other leadership folks/pastors there too) As I was walking home and trying to process all that had happened, I was struck by a thought. (a disclaimer here: I tend to resist 'spiritualizing' everything, but this thought helped me put everything into perspective) I'm pretty sure that at the foot of the cross there were people cursing at Jesus. It was not a quiet reflective moment where everyone pondered the weighty significance of what was happening. It was loud and messy. Much like the church I pastored in, worship at and find my community. This is my church. And it is messy and loud. It welcomes and creates space for those who know and love God, for those trying to figure it out, and for those whose wounds are so deep that all they can do is curse God. This is my church. And that was my Good Friday.

S.A.D?

I went to the doctor's today because I feel blah...no serious illness, ache or pain, just blah. It is very difficult to explain blah to a doctor. They want vomiting! sharp pain! swollen glands! I think the doctor was a tad disappointed to hear my general uneasiness over my blah. To her credit, she gave me a through check up, poked and prodded here and there (but not there, know what I mean ladies??) We chatted a bit about SAD, seasonal affect disorder. She asked if I'd been on any drugs/antidepressants. Which I haven't. So the decision was made to do a round of blood work to basically check everything that could possibly wrong with me. Sweet. That should be at least 4 vials, with fasting beforehand. That will happen next week. I'll get a call if something "abnormal" shows up.

I almost want something to be 'wrong', so I could blame my case of blah on it. Weird and twisted, I know. I think it would be worse if there wasn't anything physically wrong with me...because then I'd have to look at my mental health. Sigh...

A good friend of mine just lost his nephew to suicide. His nephew had been suffering from SAD and decided to leave church early and hang himself. He was 19. Needless to say, this sparked a conversation between me and hubby around the topic. Hubby asked if I ever felt bad enough to do that. I quickly reassured him that NO, I'd never felt that urge. But, I do feel the urge to disconnect from life. Just disappear to a place where no one knows me. No emotional or physical demands put upon me. Which I believed can be just as devastating as ending one's life for those around the person.

However, I know God has been looking out for me. There are 3 tangible things to prove it: Hubby, Pookie and Bear. The love of these 3 keep me connected in this world. Force me to look outward instead inward. Physically engage me with kisses, hugs and hands slipped into mine. They are the reason I hauled my butt into the doctor's to figure out what the deal was.

The good news is that I can almost taste spring. The cherry blossoms are out, our little garden is full of daffodils and crocuses and we are headed on a mini vacation to Keats. Right after my quick trip to Winnipeg. Where the temperature is -30, but sunny!

Books, books and more books

We've hit a new stage in Bear's development. The one that makes us go to the library every - single - day. Initially, I was ecstatic at my daughter's desire to read. Actually, I'm still loving the fact that the girls want to read, but there is a point where I just want them to figure it out or to be happy looking at the pretty pictures! I am a reader, Hubby is not. But he was worried that our kids wouldn't be good readers or even want to read. No worries on that front big guy...our girls love to read. Often the same book, over and over and over....

I am definitely rediscovering some of my old favorites like the Hungry Caterpillar and Mr Pine's purple house. A good friend directed me to the funniest kid (but really meant for grown ups) books featuring a pigeon with an attitude. There is a series of books written by Laura Numeroff " if you give..." Another favorite author is Robert Munsch. Seriously, it fun to read these books, even if Bear and Pookie wander off.

Got any favorites?

Bad wife moment...or two...

Today was one of those days where I just needed to duct tape my mouth shut. Hubby and I haven't seen each other a whole lot because he is working crazy long hours and I'm jetting off here and there, plus wrangling the girls. So this morning, we had 10 minutes together and for about 9 1/2 minutes we were at odds over how I was disciplining Bear. Granted, I probably wasn't handling the situation as well as I could have...but the kid had just head butted me and I was a tad grumpy about it. So, instead of a loving goodbye, I heard the door close, ummm, forcefully. Then, since its Friday, its swimming with Daddy day for the girls. So the minute he gets home, the girls are up and ready to go. He doesn't really get a break. However, since I was in fine form, I managed to piss him off again over something that is really none of my business. (His work stuff)

So here I sit, blogging this because it seems to be the best option instead of wallowing in guilt. I think these kinds of days happen when we don't have that time together to debrief. So I try to cram it all in the few minutes we have and it comes out all wrong. Ugh! I'm preparing myself for an awkward conversation after youth group tonight. I'd phone him now, but I'm pretty sure he will see my number on call display and not pick up.

I don't blame him. I wouldn't pick up either.

A new look

So...how do you like the new look? Much thanks to Niki over at coastalslingmommy for the link. Off to the Sunshine Coast with 250+ youth for the weekend...pray for me!

I'm back....

And I bet you didn't even know I was gone. Yep, I'm a jet setter. Dashing off to hot spots like Edmonton and Calgary for the day. Next month...Winnipeg for the weekend! Whoo and Hoo!

I am beginning to realize something about these "day" trips to other provinces. It's hard. Yes, it's cool to stroll through the airport, coffee in hand, carry-on bag in the other, whisking through check in, sitting down and perusing the paper at my leisure. Just worrying about myself getting on board and buckling just one seat belt. Riding in taxis from one meeting to another. Having my job pay for everything from coffee to dinner....wait a minute...where was I??? Oh yes. The hard part. Here it is:

It is exhausting! Because Pookie and Bear tend to need me a lot, I try to do a massive amount in a very short time so that they can either wake up with me there or have me tuck them in. Take my trip to Edmonton yesterday. I woke up at 4:30 AM. Showered, dressed and ate a banana. Realized that I forgot to buy ground beef for dinner like I promised my mother. (who was watching the girls at our house that afternoon). So, off I went at 4:55 AM to our local 24 hour grocery store, which, of course, did not have any ground beef in stock. Came home, got the stroller out of the van and into our house, and ate something else. By 5:30, I was headed to the airport, parked in long term parking (about a kilometer from airport) and walked in. Took a 7 am flight to Edmonton that sat on the tarmac for 1/2 hour then informed us that they were taking us to Calgary instead. Edmonton had too much fog. At the very last moment in the air, Edmonton's fog lifted and we landed. It was a little bumpy and I think the coffee and juice I consumed, along with pretzels was not such a good idea. I was running late, so I jumped into a cab. My driver was, um, enthusiastic in his driving. He also have 4 brand new 'vanilla' trees and the heat cranked. Needless to say, it didn't help the coffe/juice/pretzel thing going on in my stomach. Arrived at my first meeting at 10:30, a little green. Had to leave meeting 1/2 way through for bathroom break. Very smooth. Made it through first meeting by noon. Then got a ride to the other side of Edmonton, into Skid Row. Dropped off 45 min early. Decided to walk and find lunch in hopes that my head and stomach would settle. Had to walk 35 mins into the city to find food. In -20 degree sunshine. Had excellent meeting with inner city ministry and a guy from a camp. Got a ride to airport from camp guy, who circled in the city for 20 min before finding his way out to the airport. 3pm at airport. Bought girls a caramel/smartie apple. Crashed for 1 hour on bench. Woke up to find my morning meeting guy sitting across from me headed to Vancouver. Ate chicken noodle soup. Sat in emergency exit row with a nice guy a seat away. 10 sec before the flight was ready to take off, a man about 5' 4" demanded to sit in the middle seat because he needed the leg room. He then proceeded to take both armrests. Sweet. 6:30pm, arrive in Vancouver. Decide to offer morning meeting guy a ride to his hotel room. Home at 7:15pm to hug, kiss and tuck my girls in. 8:30pm in bed.

Here are the things I learned:

• I need to get more than 5 hours sleep
• Buy ground beef the day before
• I pack better for my kids than for myself. I had no gloves or hat in -20 degree weather
• Short men may have issues
• It is always good to offer rides to colleagues, especially when they out rank you
• It is so important to be home in time to kiss my girls and tell them that I love them

Superstar Hubby!!!

Earlier this week, Hubby and I had one of "those" conversations about our marriage. You know, the kind of conversation that makes you squirm, panic and want to throw up? Any way, we shared about those hidden expectations that we have for each other, our marriage and our family. The hidden expectations that neither of us knew about but expected the other to fulfill? I know, good relationship stuff...

So, the day before Valentines, hubby came home with flowers for all his girls. Very cute and the girls loved it. Pookie, Bear and I had spent the week crafting cards for everyone we knew, and I had also bought the girls a card and chocolate. We all worked on Daddy's candy & cookie jar. Valentine morning, we exchanged cards with the girls and I gave hubby his present...but there was nothing for me. Not a super big deal since I had gotten flowers the night before.

So, that night I came home late with the girls. We put them to bed and I went to my bedroom to change. When I came back to the living room, hubby had set up a little table with flowers, candles, champagne glasses, a bottle of 'special' juice and homemade chocolate covered strawberries. Very sweet. We had a chance to share about our day (hubby's secret expectation) and just be with each other. I love this man. He loves me and the girls enough to start awkward conversations and to try to live up to my 'secret' expectations. I am one lucky woman.