I went to the doctor's today because I feel blah...no serious illness, ache or pain, just blah. It is very difficult to explain blah to a doctor. They want vomiting! sharp pain! swollen glands! I think the doctor was a tad disappointed to hear my general uneasiness over my blah. To her credit, she gave me a through check up, poked and prodded here and there (but not there, know what I mean ladies??) We chatted a bit about SAD, seasonal affect disorder. She asked if I'd been on any drugs/antidepressants. Which I haven't. So the decision was made to do a round of blood work to basically check everything that could possibly wrong with me. Sweet. That should be at least 4 vials, with fasting beforehand. That will happen next week. I'll get a call if something "abnormal" shows up.
I almost want something to be 'wrong', so I could blame my case of blah on it. Weird and twisted, I know. I think it would be worse if there wasn't anything physically wrong with me...because then I'd have to look at my mental health. Sigh...
A good friend of mine just lost his nephew to suicide. His nephew had been suffering from SAD and decided to leave church early and hang himself. He was 19. Needless to say, this sparked a conversation between me and hubby around the topic. Hubby asked if I ever felt bad enough to do that. I quickly reassured him that NO, I'd never felt that urge. But, I do feel the urge to disconnect from life. Just disappear to a place where no one knows me. No emotional or physical demands put upon me. Which I believed can be just as devastating as ending one's life for those around the person.
However, I know God has been looking out for me. There are 3 tangible things to prove it: Hubby, Pookie and Bear. The love of these 3 keep me connected in this world. Force me to look outward instead inward. Physically engage me with kisses, hugs and hands slipped into mine. They are the reason I hauled my butt into the doctor's to figure out what the deal was.
The good news is that I can almost taste spring. The cherry blossoms are out, our little garden is full of daffodils and crocuses and we are headed on a mini vacation to Keats. Right after my quick trip to Winnipeg. Where the temperature is -30, but sunny!
2 comments:
Thinking of you, Nadia! Glad you made yourself go to the doctor. Keep us updated so we can pray for you!
Just wondered if you've ever tried the SADs light? My mom has one (from Costco I think) and has heard great things about it. It is a bit of an investment but would be worth EVERY PENNY if it worked!
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