I'm not a big fan of the phrase. I was really thankful that I was able to edit myself down to those 2 words instead of what was really running through my mind. But holy mother, I felt like I was out of options. The girls had woken up in a spicy mood and were bickering non stop. I wish I was a mother who could just let stuff like that roll over me. But it doesn't. It picks at me, lights my fuse until I can't stand it any longer.
I know that my girls talk a lot. They ask questions all the time. Words flow from the minute their eyes open, till we glue them shut at night. I also know that I often tell them to be quiet, stop talking and just listen. But I shouldn't. Because soon enough they may stop talking to us. They may stop telling us every little thing on their mind. Stop asking us questions to explore the world around them. They may begin to keep secrets, ask others for answers and give their words away to others. And one day they will be gone.
So I need to SHUT UP! Be quiet and just listen.
3 comments:
You need to get on my mailing list of Angry Mothers. We compare notes on terrible things we have said and done while feeling rageous (word created by an Angry Mother).
You seem to have very high expectations of yourself. We should have coffee and I'll lower the bar for you a bit.
It sucks-doesn’t it? That feeling you have every time you recount your parenting goofs. Sometimes, I still get the sting of tears in my eyes. If I had to count the number of times I have yelled (even shrieked) ‘shut up’ at Allie and Joe, I would be forever nominated for the rotten mother of the year award...but you know what a good friend told me? She said, ‘You are human first. We all have our triggers; at least you recognize yours and make amends.” That did make me feel better, but I still wondered if delivering a sincere apology was good enough.
Psychology tells us that the first 5 years in a child’s life are critical developmental times, and it is in that frame that many of their perceptions of relations are formed, as well as learning how to cope with their own emotion issues. Having post partum depression for 5 years really screwed that up for them; I suppose...I screamed, yelled, cried...yikes. Fast-forward 10 years-I am not dealing with post partum, I am a social worker, MS has taught me to become more patient and compassionate...and I still yell, ‘shut up’. It seems that now that they are teenagers-and I seriously love this stage-they can say something in a particular tone, which draws me right into the same attitude they are dishing out- and the fight is on. The worst is that sometimes I can’t stop myself! Allie and I sound like two 15 year olds at times, rather than an upset teen and a level headed, compassionate 40-something mom. But I always go back, and talk about it. And apologise for being such a jerk. I think that it helps the kids to see that mom (or dad) are not the ‘perfect, do-no-wrong’ people that they may perceive us as. (I sat that with a tad bit of sarcasm). I feel that as long as you keep the communication open, the kids will too. Mine do, and I am so grateful for that. I think we set our expectations for ourselves as parents too high in many cases. I have even wondered whose expectations I am trying to meet...mine?...John’s?...my mother’s?....my friends? I don’t know. But I do know that I talk to Jesus a lot...all day. That is what sustains me and keeps me from bouncing off walls. He knows I am a goof, and He knows my biggest problem is being still...but He always manages to listen and somehow makes me still enough (for a few minutes) to feel His grace, forgiveness, and understanding.
I am glad you posted this! It lets us know that we are not alone in our struggles and help each other get through...I mean, isn’t that what it’s all about:)
~Ann
Please sign me up both for the Angry Mothers and for a coffee date!
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