A seductress. That one still makes me laugh!
So it's been kinda fun to attend 2 weddings this summer of good friends. 2 totally different weddings, but both so completely unique in their own ways.
This is the story of today's wedding...
The setting was a home nestled in 2 acres of lush gardens, a fish pond, a secret tree house and miles of grass. It was informal and relaxed. There was activity bags for kids filled with games, colouring, bubbles and funky sunglasses. There was homemade lemonade and ice tea for drinking during the ceremony. Music and readings included Sesame Street and beloved kids' literature. (Sounds hokey, but not at all. It was spell binding) The vows were beautiful and poetic. A record of witnesses was a hand drawn portrait of a tree where we all placed our thumbprints and names as leaves on the tree.
The food was cooked by friends and fed both our bellies and our souls.
There was a dance party, and teary tributes by family and friends.
There was birth family.
There was chosen family.
There was old friends, new friends and everything in between.
There was abundant love and laughter.
It was beautiful.
It was our friends, C & J, two women who Love God and Love each other.
I know that this is a controversial issue, especially for Christians. I get that. I wrestle with it myself. It wasn't a hard decision to go to the wedding, it was hard to decide whether Pookie and Bear should go. C was the girls' nanny one summer and was amazing. We have known these women for years, journeyed with them through the good, bad and ugly.
But.
The girls are at an age where they are VERY aware of relationships. Disney princesses notwithstanding, they get giggly when we show affection, when our neighbour's kid kisses his girlfriend etc. I thought it would be confusing and distressing for them to go. The reality is that kids get the whole 'love everyone' rule that Jesus has so much better than we do. Will the girls have questions? Yes, I hope so. Am I glad that they witness this wedding with us? Yes again. Given a choice, I would always have the girls witness life, in all its confusing and beautiful forms with us. And I would have us wrestle through it together.
My real fear is that when the girls share this experience with others, they will be mocked for it. I fear someone beating them over the head with the bible for a choice that we made for them. I'm OK with being called into the Pastor's office or Principal's office to have a discussion about it. But I don't want my kids to suffer for it. I can only trust it won't happen.
Do I regret it? Not one single bit.
9 comments:
So I have had to sit with this for a while. Truthfully, the post kind of made me mad. At you. Then I decided to call it surprised. Surprised that you would even consider regret, consider not including your children in any expression of love you trip across in this life.
I have been out of the conservative christian world for a long time so I don't experience the same day-to-day culture conflict that you must, where gay men and lesbian woman choosing to marry is squinted at. So I turned down my anger because that's not your fault. I guess I'm a bit surprised that you raise your kids there...
Hmm, I bet there's a kinder response out there that I should have chosen. I was a bit jealous that they came up with such an awesome wedding - I didn't think of thumbprints.
But really, I just can't remember Jesus ever saying, "No, I can't come. I don't like who you love." Showing up where love is is one of Jesus' favourite things I think. In fact, he probably gets there first. Saves seats in the front row for all the other people who shouldn't be there.
Glad you were there. Makes me gladder still that I know you.
ACJ,
1. Thanks for being brave enough to comment and to be mad at me. Often my posts that are a bit more edgy tend to have high readership and zero comments.
2. I was mad at myself for dithering about this.
3. I feel like I am dancing in a minefield both of because of where we live and where I work. Lines are burry and I feel like I'm going to be blown up at every step. However, the key is to have a good playlist with good beats.
I think the conclusion I came too at the end of the post is closer to the truth. It was less about the girls seeing the wedding and more about the potential fallout. I don't want the girls to be victims of unkind words because of a decision we made for them. I will always regret that when (notice I didn't say if) that happens.
Nadia - interesting first point in your comment about your edgier posts having higher readership and zero comments. i think they just send a lot of us (speaking for myself here, i know) into a place of needing to really think about it and maybe not knowing how to respond.
i know that's where i'm at! :)
You know I admire your willingness and boldness to share your heart and your life so honestly and authentically. I think this post is a huge part of what I respect about you – bold, honest, real. I am so glad you brought the girls yesterday – their joy in being there was evident and they experienced a beautiful day filled with unconditional love and acceptance. Hard to think of a better way to spend a day together.
Given a choice, I would always have the girls witness life, in all its confusing and beautiful forms with us. And I would have us wrestle through it together.
I think this says so much. Life is complicated and what a gift you two give the girls to allow them to experience it in all its fullness. How much better for you two to be the ones who walk that path with them, than for them to wander it alone – or with guides who wear blinders and miss so much of the fullness of God.
While I would hope no one would dare to be unkind to your girls, should it I happen I hope you are filled with all kinds of righteous anger (Auntie Jo will have some too) – but not with regret. Regret comes out of shame and guilt and you should feel none of that. I know as someone without kids of my own, I may not know of which I speak, but just as this is an opportunity for you to be bold and authentic – it may also be such an opportunity for your girls. As the wise Isaiah once said “and a little child will lead them” …
As for myself, I was honored to be there yesterday. Driving home I thought of all the parts of “Christian” history that I cannot reconcile with God’s love and I was proud that in one of those moments where I had an opportunity to choose to stand up for a just and loving God, and dear friends who love Him too, I did not hesitate. You should be proud that for your girls, there wasn’t even a choice to make – they just wanted to be a part of the fun with so many folks they loved.
Kelly, thanks for commenting. I get the needing to think part. I want you to know that there are no "wrong" comments here..(unless you decide to go on a vicious rant about my character..which is doubtful). I appreciate different and even conflicting viewpoints as long as we are being honest in our struggles to work thorough stuff togther. That is community to me.
Jo - We loved hanging out! Thanks for being the Auntie who will stand with us and for the girls. Your words meant a lot to me. Really. Probably more than you know.
Nadia -
I love you and your family. I love your honesty and vulnerability here. I love that you think things through - really think them through.
I totally get where you are coming from on this. Believe me, we've had our share of talks about how our (future) kids will be affected by our own decisions. And I think the part of your post that Jo quoted says it all.
Thank you for being there yesterday. And even more than that, thank you for being open about your thoughts and struggles. You have been a blessing to us, and we were honoured to have you celebrate with us yesterday.
P.S. We LOVED the cards from the girls!
Nad, I also admire your boldness & honesty. Like Kelly, I've been thinking about this post. You know that I've spent most of my life in a "conservative Christian church" but my faith is based on what I read in the bible and not the culture around me. As for your decision to bring the girls, that's between you & Jeff. Children are fragile yet amazingly strong and I really, really hope and pray that people would save their unkind words for you and Jeff and not for your girls.
I will throw in my own praise for your willingness to be vulnerable and brave. It takes courage to admit your fears to the whole wide internet, especially knowing that the Intern and I (the brides) read your blog regularly.
I'm with the others in hoping that if people disagree with you that they will either have the decency to do so respectfully. And if anyone messes with those lovely princess-lovin' girls of yours, they better be prepared to deal with the wrath of two Aunties, an army of yaks, and at least one well-fed snark.
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